Thursday, May 13, 2010

Lapis lazuli

Just finished eating a spring dosa from Abhisek's: d eating joint near this tiny place where i m wasting 2 precious months of my life. I never tried spring dosa before and thought that I'd like it coz i like spring rolls. BUT, I absolutely HATED it .. the taste of cabbage is still intact in my palate and it tastes like my life in this godforsaken place. BLAND...completely bland. I first blamed my depression on my hormonal misbalance due to PMS. But that for sure is not the cause. The factor causing this is actually the joke of a 'job' i am currently associated with and the horrible dungeon where i m staying at. The very air of that place can kill any living being. Take for example the bunch of roses I bought yesterday. As long as I was outside the PG, they was looking resplendent and I swear they were smiling and laughing at each others personal jokes. But the moment I entered the PG, all these changed. Their merry voices broke into desperate screams . . .The way the hapless Jews used to scream while they entered the gas chamber. It made my blood cold. I tried my best to save them : I sprayed water on them , kept them near the window to save them from the toxic air of that room. But nothing worked. All those these roses who were living so peacefully till now started a skirmish so violent that i could see hints of red blood in the petals of yellow rose buds. By the time the clock strike mid night , all these flowers were dead. killed by the evil air of my pg which led them to cannibalize each other.

I felt terribly fidgety and frightened. I was so happy before i came here. I dont want to die. But if that room takes less than two hours to kill innocent bunch of roses, how long will it take to finish me? And it has already started nibbling my conscience. I can feel it. I want to stay away from it as long as possible. But when night brakes into the city and no one but dogs and human canines are left in the street to greet me , I must go back to that PG and wait for my doom.

I wish I could go back to woodstock and swim in the pool. That's the only bezoar which can save me now. Swimming. When a friend of mine told me about his regular regime of swimming after the office hours, I almost turned green in envy. I need my pool now. I feel wonderful when i am floating aimlessly and serenely in the water. I feel secure. I feel like all the dimensions of time and space are lost and i've turned into a featus, as nascent and as ancient as the rising sun, floating in the assurance of her mother's amniotic fluid. But it never feels claustrophobic. It feels like the universe itself. I get freed from the bondage of my mortal body and i spread over the entire universe and beyond. I need to feel that way now. All these blood of my vein were not created to feed some evil PG. I know venom has spread in my blood from the sting of that monstrous room but I've to purify it somehow. I've come all these way. I can't afford to give up now!

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