Thursday, June 3, 2010

Worst Birthday Ever But... ... ...

So , it's official ... I've turned 21 and spent my worst birthday except probably for the day on which I actually was born . My umbilical cord conspired to strangle my throat and thus my entire birth process was not exactly what one would describe as hassle free. So, even before I was born , I started freaking out my kith and kin and probably I'd do the same even after my death ! 

Sometimes I do wonder why do we always wish the child ( that child might be 97 years old for all it matters) in her/ his birthday; don't u think that it's the mother who deserves the congratulations for her bravery to enter into a  relationship from which she can never break up or get a divorce? And then there's the physical pain and sacrifices on the front of career , enjoyment and addiction ! 

I missed her badly yesterday ... on my 1st birthday away from home ... Even though I was overwhelmed by all the calls I got from all my friends and near & dear ones ;  I Somehow felt a bit empty .. sometimes words are not enough .. I longed to see their faces , I longed to hug them and laugh at their PJs . The fact that there was no electricity in my PG and my cell was 90% discharged , even aggravated my blues ... But somehow I managed to sleep for an hour or so in-spite of the attack of  a fleet of mosquitoes and my room-mate's sudden urge to put on make up at 2am in the night (honest to God she did that and then she took a bath .. I was feeling like I'd been transported to some ghost story's set)  and I woke up fresher than a young green grass drenched with dew drops ! 

For the 1st time ever I went to office way earlier than the scheduled time and had  a rather nice day. The lunch was good except for the most dreadful pina colada and believe it or not i treated 2 of my colleagues ! The phone rang from time to time to brighten up the rather dull Wednesday afternoon with warm & vibrant wishes and I especially enjoyed the 2 hour long talk with Oindrila (over phone of course ) where we kept on talking about exotic foods and excellent films ! And then it was 6.30 and I was torn between the choices of accompanying the aforementioned 2 colleagues of mine to "Good-Luck Cafe" , one of my most favorite eating joints of Pune located at F C Road  and going to Pune station to meet a very old friend of mine. And I choose the later. I dont kno why . I guess i was feeling a bit like an emotional wreck, struck in  a  city I absolutely didn't yet became close to and a job I absolutely detested  . I needed to be somewhere or with some-one which/ who feels like home... Now, I've  a weird definition of home . I never considered it to be a place or a bunch of persons ... it always remained as an idea , something very vague and yet stunningly clear ... I am sure you've no idea of what i am talking about, neither do i! I guess i just wanted to spend the evening with someone i knew for quite some time and whom i considered to be not just a mere acquaintance , rather a friend . I am a single child and was always blessed with a huge number of friends. Most of them never forgot my birthday and never failed to make me crazy with all their enthusiastic plans to make the day special for me... I was missing them and even though I didn't expect anything remotely close to my normal birthdays , I just wished to be noticed . I was sick of being invisible ...

But that's exactly what happened ... I felt like as if i didn't exist .. i was feeling insulted and angry ... angry with myself for giving any1 the chance to ruin my special day. For all the readers of my blog , if u ever go to meet a  friend of urs on his or her birthday , please do carry at  least a small eclairs with u. No matter how indifferent and careless a person pretends to be, in some days of our lives we all long to be treated like a protagonist of the drama called life and we feel good to feel that our friends care for us ! I never miss  a chance to wish people in their birthdays. Even if they are mere strangers . I find this day to be very special , just imagine if by any celestial conspiracy , this day was erased from earth ? How would the world be if you were just not there? In truth , it would go on just the same . Maybe nothing will change but then , we all like to think it'd make a difference .. We love to imagine that WE can make a  difference ... So, i tried my best to play my part well .. ie , the part of a good samaritan, a perfect friend . I could understand the emotional upheaval this friend of mine was going through and i felt his need of having a media to vent them all out ... And i felt like a disposable coffee mug . Did u ever think how they might have felt ? those mugs? They feel the direct heat , the stain : actually all the bad things while they dont even get to or want to drink the coffee ... Actually , i was hungry .. I ate at 12.30 pm in the afternoon and it was almost 9pm and all I was doing was to try and maintain my poise ... I was too angry to even express my frustration . I was afraid that if i open up even a small lid of my heart , the accumulated depression which turned into rage , disgust and all the syndromes of  emotional nausea would just break the dam of my mind and sweep off everything ! 

When i was in the bus , i called my landlady to inform her that i was at a friend's place and i'd be a bit late and will reach by 11pm .She behaved extremely rudely and advised me to stay outside @ "that friend's place" and i felt like if I could turn my anger into energy then the entire universe would blow up ... but funnily enough , i was not angry with any1 else,,, i just hated myself and kept on scolding myself badly ... You've no idea how bad you'll feel to rebuke urself on your own birthday .. But then, if u r on the verge of crying,,u can at least prevent urself from the embarrassment of that by erasing ur emptiness with ur anger. And then I returned to my PG (w/o procuring any food as i didn't have time ) and thankfully  the exhaustion and hunger put me to sleep ...That was the best part of the day ..When i could feel the sleep fairy singing her lullaby to me!

I woke up at around 1am 2day by a call from that friend of mine who apologized for destroying my birthday..I wonder why they do that.. I mean u can never actually say : " yes u daft prick .. u did that , u were just not there when i needed you the most and i am disgusted that i ever let myself fall under the illusion that YOU could ever be a friend of mine "... so all I did was to smile and say :  "That's what friends are for!" ... Of course he didn't understand my sarcasm ... few actually does !

PS. the "But" part : It does feel good to have the illusion of sacrificing a very special evening of yours for people you care for ... In the end of the day , you yourself can make you happy or sad .. thus I again got a lesson I always knew but of late forgotten : "I am my best friend and worst enemy " .. so it's convenient to for me to chose to be the former and I'd do that from now on!

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