Saturday, March 27, 2010
2.39 am of a dull saturday night. I Couldn't wink since my roommate's classmate woke me up at 12.30 in search of a movie. My roommate came back from the alumni meeting at around 1 and she slept immediately. The stuffy and hot room was somehow reflecting my own personality. I needed something calm and cold and soothing . I needed to feel some wild yet tranquil wind which will sweep off every thing from my mind. So, i went downstairs near poolside and tried to watch the stars. But the best friends of my childhood have probably abandoned me. Not that i can blame them . I was the one who started neglecting them 1st . But i never had a room from where i could talk to them. Due to some evil conspiracy of fate i always lived in rooms from where u cant see the sky. I wanted to go to the terrace 2day. I dont kno what prevented me from going there through the secret alleyway Manisha had shown me a few days ago. Not that i was afraid , I was just numb and lazy as a hippo as usual. Day before yesterday i was feeling the same blues and i called arnab and he suggested me to to write. Not the kind of junk i am writing now but something which will have a flow and something which will need to be catered to daily. I am sick of the terrible "youngest of the class" role playing here. To hide every goddamn emotion and put on the mask of a jester . But then i always was a jester . Even as a kid. I laughed the most when i felt like ripping myself apart in anger and frustration. I behaved like a nincompoop who doesn't understand a thing when i felt like saying 10,000 words. I think i spend some 10 decades inside my mother's womb instead of 10 months. I always felt so old and yet so juvenile. But then who said these two can't co-exist together ? why should i adhere to what people say. I've always been blatantly independent and self sufficient. Right now i am feeling nauseous of the mothers , sisters , brothers and fathers of this class. I want to fly away from all these entities. I need to feel the sea. Or someone as wild as the sea, who is immune from the disease of pretension and who can just say ' come fly with me ' and who will never object if in the process of flying I find some new flocks to fly with or chose my own way. I dont want to fall in love. I just want to dream again . I want to vent out all my insanity , inanity and ire. I am dying here: everyday, every second. No1 can see it but i am dying. I am done with being the sister and the daughter. I need some1 to discover the real me and be a mate in all the mad pursuits i indulge into.