I am suffering from a horrible sense of loss. But what is it that I’m losing; I haven’t got a clue about. Is it my identity? I think it must be. It’s getting rusted in each and every day I live every second I breathe. I need to talk. I am in dire need of having some conversation. I am sick and tired of listening to people’s monologue. My idea of a perfect dialogue will be to sit in the auburn rays of the dying day and just feel and soak myself in the perfect serenity of the nature. I need someone, who’ll know and understand the language of silence, to accompany me there. But the Sun will have to rotate around the earth before I find someone like that. So, I just want to be left alone. I hear so many words throughout the day but barely one which will shake me, break me and make me what I am. People have a natural penchant of playing a problem solver. I know that their intentions are all gregarious but sometimes it becomes hard to behave naively when you know the person you’re talking with, even though biologically senior, actually still has not got over the adolescence period.
It’s raining here now. We’ve got this glass roof in the top of our cafeteria. Or is it fiber? Whatever it is, as the sole window of my room faces the cafeteria, I can’t really see or feel the raindrops. But I am craving to do so, I am craving to get drenched in the rain but yet my common sense in forbidding me to take such a risk in an unknown city.
I miss the long conversations with you, in these 20 years I’ve seldom had a conversation where I said something I really wanted to say and strangely most of those conversations took place with you. Words are swirling inside my head. I need to vent them out but I somehow can not find out an opening. Sometimes seeing someone face to face becomes so important! Even if that person “says nothing at all”, you feel a lot better just by “the nearness of” that person. And strangely enough I am craving to find the nearness of you(in a strictly non erotic sense).
Sorry if my missive seems to be a bit weird and abstract. Will try to be more specific afterwards!
PS-couldn't post it yesterday as the net wasn't working and today I am in quite a jovial mood but have no stamina to write so c ya later!