Some insights into the year we'll be biding adeu 12 hours from hence

11.59 pm, 31st December 2009 


I am sitting underneath the blue sky sparkling with sunlight and hoping that I'll get enough inspiration to capture what the dying year had in store for me, into some tangible words. Capturing all those dreams , vulnerability , hopes, fear, excitement , love and disappointments and binding them by the shackle of words is no doubt a difficult and strenuous job... But nevertheless I'll try..Rather than classifying the year by months, I've decided to do it on the basis of the predominate emotions which reined my heart.. and what else should i talk about 1st but love.

In the beginning of year I was in love. That love shaped up my sanity as well as my insanity ; my hope and my fear; my passion and my devotion for nearly 2 years ... And now I am free ... Don't misunderstand me .. I am still in love, but with the emotion itself as i always were but never knew it .. A person like me can't live without the king of all emotions .. yah I rank love much higher than anything else, far higher than hatred or pain or fear ... I am sure any1 would do so if they had experienced it as deeply as i did , if they were bruised and wounded as badly as i did.. But those wounds shaped up my soul and made me what i am.. I am so grateful to this entity who made it possible for me to personify this emotion...And an incident this year made me realize that you can't grow out of love.. if u wanna escape from one form of it u must indulge in some other form .. So, I fell again , I am not sure whether it was true or not but definitely it was no where as powerful as my 1st encounter with love BUT it healed me from the major bruise and whatever side effect it caused was almost imperceptible for some1 like me who turned on the mode of self destruction from the minor age of 17!

The 2nd emotion is indifference .. I didn't mind when my best good friend & I kind of grew apart .. I saw the road .. the addictive path which summons you to break all barriers as well as attachments and run .. So, right now i dont have any home as such but ohhhh.. I have the road and the impetus to burn just to take rebirth like a pheonix ..

Am i happy? well, what does it mean anyway.. maybe i am .. may be i am not ..but at least i am not sad about it.. actually i dont give a damn .

Excitement.. It was the summer of 69.. I got a bunch of carefree and cool frnds( or rather class mates) and hell of a time... i can proudly say that  i had some time which any soul on earth would love to look back to.. but i dont want to.. and i pray may i never have to,,, may the path forward offer me so much more that i would never need to take consolation from memories .  

Cant say i learned many material things .. i mean my value addition from the MBA degree was almost nil but for some1 who has spent the 1st 20 years of her life under the vigilance of parents  in the same place where she came 3 months after her birth , a new city and the experience of being in such close proximity with friends had much knowledge to offer . 

Fear and trauma  were the emotions which dominated me through out the 1st half of the year and then i had my "Shawshank Redemption" .. but how i miss my best buddy from those prison days.. Antara .. whereever u are.. wish u a happy new year . 

Talking about things i miss, nandan and BCL rules the list and then my movie soulmate arijita but then thankfully we still can talk through internet ..  i do miss my parents but in my case distance helped to strengthen the love i felt for them.

Talking about my other relatives had  a rather topsy turvy relationship with my didibhai and jiju but all's well that ends well.

So, the new things i did in 2009 ?learned the word carpe diem from arijita and tried to follow its spirit,  got my 1st job (not considering that aviva thingy), tasted my 1st peg of alcohol , had my 1st night out party , travelled for the 1st time in the mobike of a complete stranger, travelled by plane, travelled all alone from bangalore to kolkata, went to mumbai for the 1st time that too alone ... so basically I found myself and i loved myself .. i always used to be a narcissist but now it's limitless and i am proud of that . . . 

Loss ? not much.. except the accumulated bulges (which i am determined to lose by Jan, '10 ) everything was pretty cool .. 

Resolutions? - none but i wanna stringently follow the divine principle called Carpe Diem - SEIZE D DAY!!!

WELCOME !@!)2010@)!)...no mater however sharp spear u've prepared to kill me, i am prepared to tackle u buddy...so, BEWARE!!! 

Aboltabol

Dear Friend,

So, I've successfully completed my 1st week alone. Ops! sorry. I haven't given you any clue regarding why so very natural a thing might be worth mentioning in precious virtual spaces.Well, the reason is even though i knew that ""loneliness, far from being a rare & curious phenomenon,is the central and inevitable fact of human existence", I never actually was given the freedom of being completely on my own.That chance came for the e 1st time almost 2 weeks ago,when i took admission in this Bangalore based B'school.

Of course my parents (along wid my grandfa ) came here with me and unfortunately the day they left for Bengal, I couldn't even go to the station to say good bye.Their train was @2pm but i had to say good bye @8.15 when the white college bus came to pick us up.That's the last memory of them as of yet.My mom in a red salwer,clutching the dupatta to her face to hide the tears.I did my best to held the tears till the bus started and their image faded into the march of so many other memories I've left behind.And then my eyes went misty.

But the sense of loss didn't last long.I actually began enjoying my solitude(I didn't have any roommate).My sense of humour was not really applicable here.Like all other emotional and cultural aspects each state has its own humour norms.The system here could not read my files and as of yet I am not ready to download some software which will be able to read theirs. But an incorrigible optimist like me needs no consolation. I am not happy. But then I never was happy. the good thing is that i am not unhappy either.I like this place. Less humid than kolkata,less crowded and less hot.

Even though the Internet connection in the hostel is quite low,I manage to talk nonsense with unknown people over the net.And in real life somehow miraculously i've managed to form the image of an erudite,spartan,reticent Bengali. So, in order to carry out the normal activities of a human chatter box, net is my one and only sanctuary.

Did I tell you about the freshers party?I guess,I'll upload some photos.Not much interactions took place b/w the seniors and the so called juniors(in an MBA institute, determining senectitude can be rather tedious)and so we had this introduction session a few days ago in the college itself.It coincided with the birthday of a student named Lalit(That poor guy was woken up from slumber at 12 am in that night and was fed an overdose of semi burned chocolate cake)...nothing interesting took place.

I'll soon post my opinion about each student of our dept but before that i must mention that

1.I went to the "brithish library(that's what they call BCL here)" and transferred my membership.I can take 5books and 2 magazines but no DVDs. I didnt go for the 3book+1DVD scheme for 2fold reasons.one>It's so far from our college that i wont get chance to return those DVDs and the 2nd and the main reason is that the collection is rather poor here.

2 amusing things happened while coming back.one>BC is situated in such an odd place that no bus to my hostel was available from there.An employee of BC actually came to help me,offered me a ride in his bike and dropped me in a bus-stop.I know i should consider this as pure goodness,but my cynical heart just refuses to do so!!!two>a girl was sitting behind me in the bus.When i asked the bus driver to inform me where to get down,that girl said she too was getting down at Singasandra(that's my stop).So far so good.but after getting down she actually clutched my hand with warm affection an throughout the journey to the other side of the road(it's a long journey as a fly over is situated in b/w and so there's no way to cross the road directly)never actually let it go!I know I can never have "gaydem" but I have this gut feeling that she was lesbian.Poor me!My so called "straight-ness" deprived me of a straightforward chance of dating a beautiful human being,a commodity almost extinct now-a-days.

2.Yesterday I went out to watch a movie at PVR located at the forum.Thankfully my classmates decided against paying 200bucks for ice age and went out to eat at some Chinese restaurant. Finding out that restaurant took an eternity but the food was good there and I snatched the mug of beer ordered by one of my classmates and and barely left anything for that poor fellow and didn't even bother to pay for that.Afterwards I was terrified of the bill they'll entreat but to my relief the amount was 130 only.I felt happy about saving 70 bucks and entered into a Buskin Robbin's shop to buy a scoop of icecream only to be charge Rs-71 and came out cursing myself.And the worst part was I had to pretend to be unperturbed in front of them!!! Anyway,we returned at hostel at nearly 12 and so this was probably the 1st time in my life I stayed out so long with my friends(of course I never let THEM know that.rather I created an impression of a complete party animal to whom every single thing of Bangalore is so inferior than her beloved Kolkata!well,most of the times they are inferior so the 2nd part is true)...

Before closing this missive I'd like to boost about one achievement. I am teaching Bengali to a few classmates.But then had Asitbabu(de la history of Bengali Literature) been alive he would have commit suicide at the mere sight of my teaching process...A good thing about being in a place where nobody understands your language is that-nobody understands your slang too...so you can vent your anger whenever you want to!!!

Another news is that I am in the editing committee of the college magazine. and mercifully nobody contributes anything in it so I've been exempted from further workload!!!

More news will follow...Let me know about the latest books/movies you read/saw.

With Love,

Suchandra