Some insights into the year we'll be biding adeu 12 hours from hence

11.59 pm, 31st December 2009 


I am sitting underneath the blue sky sparkling with sunlight and hoping that I'll get enough inspiration to capture what the dying year had in store for me, into some tangible words. Capturing all those dreams , vulnerability , hopes, fear, excitement , love and disappointments and binding them by the shackle of words is no doubt a difficult and strenuous job... But nevertheless I'll try..Rather than classifying the year by months, I've decided to do it on the basis of the predominate emotions which reined my heart.. and what else should i talk about 1st but love.

In the beginning of year I was in love. That love shaped up my sanity as well as my insanity ; my hope and my fear; my passion and my devotion for nearly 2 years ... And now I am free ... Don't misunderstand me .. I am still in love, but with the emotion itself as i always were but never knew it .. A person like me can't live without the king of all emotions .. yah I rank love much higher than anything else, far higher than hatred or pain or fear ... I am sure any1 would do so if they had experienced it as deeply as i did , if they were bruised and wounded as badly as i did.. But those wounds shaped up my soul and made me what i am.. I am so grateful to this entity who made it possible for me to personify this emotion...And an incident this year made me realize that you can't grow out of love.. if u wanna escape from one form of it u must indulge in some other form .. So, I fell again , I am not sure whether it was true or not but definitely it was no where as powerful as my 1st encounter with love BUT it healed me from the major bruise and whatever side effect it caused was almost imperceptible for some1 like me who turned on the mode of self destruction from the minor age of 17!

The 2nd emotion is indifference .. I didn't mind when my best good friend & I kind of grew apart .. I saw the road .. the addictive path which summons you to break all barriers as well as attachments and run .. So, right now i dont have any home as such but ohhhh.. I have the road and the impetus to burn just to take rebirth like a pheonix ..

Am i happy? well, what does it mean anyway.. maybe i am .. may be i am not ..but at least i am not sad about it.. actually i dont give a damn .

Excitement.. It was the summer of 69.. I got a bunch of carefree and cool frnds( or rather class mates) and hell of a time... i can proudly say that  i had some time which any soul on earth would love to look back to.. but i dont want to.. and i pray may i never have to,,, may the path forward offer me so much more that i would never need to take consolation from memories .  

Cant say i learned many material things .. i mean my value addition from the MBA degree was almost nil but for some1 who has spent the 1st 20 years of her life under the vigilance of parents  in the same place where she came 3 months after her birth , a new city and the experience of being in such close proximity with friends had much knowledge to offer . 

Fear and trauma  were the emotions which dominated me through out the 1st half of the year and then i had my "Shawshank Redemption" .. but how i miss my best buddy from those prison days.. Antara .. whereever u are.. wish u a happy new year . 

Talking about things i miss, nandan and BCL rules the list and then my movie soulmate arijita but then thankfully we still can talk through internet ..  i do miss my parents but in my case distance helped to strengthen the love i felt for them.

Talking about my other relatives had  a rather topsy turvy relationship with my didibhai and jiju but all's well that ends well.

So, the new things i did in 2009 ?learned the word carpe diem from arijita and tried to follow its spirit,  got my 1st job (not considering that aviva thingy), tasted my 1st peg of alcohol , had my 1st night out party , travelled for the 1st time in the mobike of a complete stranger, travelled by plane, travelled all alone from bangalore to kolkata, went to mumbai for the 1st time that too alone ... so basically I found myself and i loved myself .. i always used to be a narcissist but now it's limitless and i am proud of that . . . 

Loss ? not much.. except the accumulated bulges (which i am determined to lose by Jan, '10 ) everything was pretty cool .. 

Resolutions? - none but i wanna stringently follow the divine principle called Carpe Diem - SEIZE D DAY!!!

WELCOME !@!)2010@)!)...no mater however sharp spear u've prepared to kill me, i am prepared to tackle u buddy...so, BEWARE!!! 

Food Diary

Got so depressed that ate all the 6 Five stars given by my secret santa :(

I've realized one thing for sure drugs like chocolates should be kept far away as possible from a junkie like me!

Post death Effect

30.12.2009; 4 pm

we were supposed to go and watch 3 idiots 2day but due to the death of certain Kannad Actor named Vishnubardhan, the entire city was reined by chaos and we're still incarcerated inside the  classroom.. We got our secret santa gifts 2day.. I got 1 mobile pack full of chocolates from Mr Tiwari .. So, at least spending the times under the imprisonment wont be that bad :)

Confessions of a Foodaholic

12.45 pm , 29th Dec
Calorie Consumed as of now- 1590
Calorie allowed / day- 1150


Somebody(Especially u , arijita) please kill me.. Just had 1 smoothie ( which consisted of high calorie fruits, cream, ice cream and honey), 1 jumbo Paneer paratha , half of aloo paratha, mango ice cream  and 3 cups of mayonnaise..why am I doing these to myself? I am killing myself softly...And the venom is coming in the guise of delicious delicacies ... No point continuing like this.. even the warning sign in my desktop sighting my current picture against that of 6 months ago couldn't give me the necessary self restraints. When lunchtime comes,I must turn into a 21st century female version of Odysseus and tie myself up with the chair so that I can escape the magnetic song (smell) of dangerous Sirens (High calorie unhygienic foods )...!!! 


On a serious note can any1 please suggest how can i save myself from myself?  I hate to look at the mirror now-a-days and you can't imagine how painful is it for some1 like me who used to be calorie conscious like a maniac. Worst phase is the guilt you feel after swallowing the food, it's like having an extra marital affair ... It's  a vicious cycle cause after having the food I feel so depressed about my failure that I take food again to escape from the excruciating pang of conciousness.. 




I know i must get rid of this obsession but i don't know how... May be i should go to some sort of congregations of food maniacs or something.. unfortunately in India, compulsive overeating is not considered to be a disease .. Actually I might be the 1st one to start a rehab for such people..it's quite a fascinating business idea..Don't u think so? 


I must not have dinner (or any firm of food) 2day.. I've already crossed the limit of  my allowed calorie / day.. will get back to u tomorrow with further details. 






SOMEBODY(PREFERABLY A SUPER MODEL)  PLEASE READ MY BLOG AND LOOK AT ME IN A CONDESCENDING WAY... THAT COULD BE MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT !

A new day has come

Tuesday , 29th Dec; 08:29 am 

 Location :  Bengaluru , Karnataka: Temperature :- 22*C, Weather :- Misty and Cloudy


Location : Howrah , WB ; Temperature :- 8*C, Weather :- Clear Sky , No forecast of cloud 



Additional Information :- 


Weight of the Sample:- 59.5 Kg
Total Consumption of Food Since yesterday :- Exorbitant amount of brown bread, butter, milk , jam, boiled egg, tea, coffee , Poha, Corn Flakes and nariel paani .


Status of Operation Dieting :- Super Failure.


Pocket news :- d word DEBT DEBT DEBT is vibrating so franticly that it could stop any normal human being's lub dub ...  


Pocket Forecast:- More exposure to DEBT as the sample is scheduled to watch 3 idiots 2morrow (I wonder why is she spending Rs 150 on a  stupid movie instead of staying @ room and gazing at the biggest idiot of them all in the mirror !!!






All these grave facts are gloomy enough to drive any normal person insane if the aforementioned sample was the normal person herself. But we're dealing with the most insane human on world(or may be a na'bi impersonating a human , sometimes the way she falls asleep so often and so easily, evokes the scepticism of that ) and thus the rules of normalcy doesn't apply on her.




Yah . I am talking about myself . I don't know why but i am feeling very happy from the inception of this neophyte day. The damp weather has failed to affect the flame of excitement inside me and even the horrible practical joke that we've OR test today left me completely unperturbed. Funny that i am writing 2 blogs on 2 consecutive days. I know i never keep my own promises to myself,BUT I'd try and write  at least my dietary diary here in a kind of "Bridget Jones goes LIVE" way. At least the same of admitting all those gory sins will resolve me from accumulating extra bulges or so I think and hope !!!


Slight deviation, I finished reading the twilight saga yesterday. Well not exactly , I was so bored while reading the last book ie "breaking dawn" that I had to skip a few( nearly 300) pages and read the concluding chapter. This woman Stephanie Meyer is the goddess of teen age psychology . The saga depicts the ultimate girl fantasies ... wanna know how? check out these insights.


*Bella has the two most perfect lovers of the world ... One Edward whose age was forever frozen at 17, is , actually 150 years old. Is Bella the modern day Electra? You decide . Another, Jacob, is the ultimate wild guy with whom Bella happened to have a brief encounter for about an year or so when Edward came back to reclaim his position with the latest model of missile proof Mercedes!!


*Bella's pregnancy lasted only for a month and just a minute after the delivery she was turned into a beautiful vampire(ie no post pregnancy trauma or cellulite) who had all the pros of vampire life ie eternal life, breathtaking beauty and inhuman(ofcourse, she's a vampire r8?!) strength and indestructible skin minus the (only) con ie thirst for human blood.


*A mediocre girl throughout her life suddenly turns into a super achiever , a "one of a kind" in her vampire life.


*Age forever frozen  at 18 (as she was transformed 3 days prior to her birthday) .. Remember Bryan Adams ?


So, in the end Ms Rowling and Ms Meyer are merely wwwwwonderful market researcher and nowhere near my ultimate hero of phantasmagoric world - J R R Tolkien . His creation is the "One BOOK to rule them all, One BOOK to find them,One BOOK to bring them all and in the darkness bind them"


But for one single reason I Can empathise with the vampire world created by Ms Meyer . Their thirst for blood and their struggle to put a rein on it reminds me of my carb craving ... Ohhh...why don't a have super restraint power like Bella??!! 




The class is about to start so I must go now but I'd soon be back with my Hoganikkal Stories and  the SUCCESS stories (and for that I need your ardent praying ) of avoiding the carb craving and follwing the diet!!!


PS:- the sun is peeping out of the blanket of clouds ... Hope it'll wake up soon!

Carpe-Diem------ Seize d Day

The morning of 28th December can't get gloomier than this. It's 8.30 in the morning and the sun has hidden her face inside a thick quilt of cloud and fog. There's no sign that she might wake up any time soon. Blame it on my post "Breaking Dawn" effect but I've a queer feeling that lots of vampires will be, ARE roaming  around Bangalore to take the full advantage of such a day. On any other day they'd have succeeded to suck all the happiness out of me (wait a second , that's the job of dementors , r8? NOT vampires , but then who can say for sure that there aint a mixed breed ?!) but today my happiness is overflowing like the water of India. No soul or soulless being in heaven or earth Horatio would dare attack me. Why? Well  lemme give u a brief story of the past few days starting from 24th. 


24th in college we arranged the game of secret santa and I was elated to find out that I am the secret santa of a girl i really  adore and bought some gift worth Rs 200!!! Way too unexpected from  a person as parsimonious as me. Then I'd to stay back at college till 5.30 from that blatted  German internship interview thingy which i messed up in my own sweet style and let ritesh do all the talking. My mind was anywhere but in the projecter telecasting the VC, i wanted to get out of college and njoy christmas eve. And then when i actually got the chance to escape i was not walking, i was floating. Even the dull red volvo seemed to be a sleigh and the ordinary human driver- red nosed Rudolf. I even paid the fare of Ritesh , can u swallow that? 
Worse? After getting back to hostel , the sight of my extra 6 kilos (ok ok 7.5, i m not gonna lie here) didn't quite dissuade me from wearing one of my favorite dresses and we (me , rash, shine and manisha; who joined from near Forum) headed towards St patrick's church. When we finally went there I couldn't but compare it with St Paul's Cathedral and was a bit disappointed. We were told that the crowd wont come before 10 so we decided to have our dinner and I guiltily admit that we went to Pizza hut and i shew no restrain in my dietary habit. But I must do something to reduce these bulges even if that means starving myself to unconsciousness . I paid Rs928 bill and of course others returned their share to me ( come on, I can't be THAT generous ) . Brigade road was looking like  a dreamland. I thought i would be the only person to buy  santa cap but it turned out to be that many people were as insane as me. Thank sweet Jesus for that. W/o insanities like these there will be no  point of our existence. After having the food we did some window shopping only to feel more depressed about my weight and then finally reached St patrick's . The main Church gate wasn't open so we did some photo shoot in the premises and finally entered the church. seating  and live videostreatimg  arrangements were made in the premises as well but we were lucky enough to find a seat inside the church. Rashi and Manisha started tp criticize the unsophisticated  rustic rituals of their religions and I, being the atheist of the group and having the same share of aversion towards all religions kept mumb. Now, u might ask why , being an atheist , I went to attend the mass? Well, i went to behold the people ,  witness the culture and I swear my experience was enriching . When the carols finally started, i and manisha started singing along with them w/o having heard most of the songs before. But there was a distinct pattern which applied to all of them.  The crowd represented the spirit of India. There were ultra sophisticated high society ladies and lords as  well people from the upper part of the bottom of pyramid. A few Caucasian as well as black (no offence intended, just can't find a substitute ) foreigners were also there and I couldn't decipher from which part of the world were they from. While the carol part was really interesting the speach of the priest ( some1 who came to the church just for that day) was so  boring that i was having deja vu of classroom all over again. But the final speach by the indigenous priest was interesting and thankfully short. I wonder why non Catholics are not allowed to take communion .. Must do some R&D about it. When only Shine went forward and take it a lady actually asked me- "u are not catholic?" .. well I am . I thought . One of the biggest catholics in my tastes, thought process and action !! It was good to see people hugging each other and saying merry christmas post midnight mass . We did our own share of hugging and then took an auto to woodstock by paying 200 bucks. Due to the unavailability of any open store , my brilliant plans of  having ice cream had to be cancelled . THANKFULLY!! or else i dont know how many more cellulite would i have accumulated. 




Next day 25th, we were supposed to wake up at 7.30 . I did and found out that the  myth that Bengalies have problems with punctuality doesn't apply here .. My friends woke up at around 10.30 and then till 1 pm we'd bizarre and funny discussions  about having a post christmas short escape to the lap of nature. After considering Mysore and Mangalore , we narrowed  it down to hoganikkal and exhausted with that  superhuman activity of our grey cells , we decided to refill ourself with food and went to M G road in search of it. There i had the worst lunch of my short life by wasting Rs 120( blame it on Hotel empire and I Warn u if u ever go to church st, avoid that restaurant like plague) . Actually it was supposed to be  a buffet and it turned out to be a thali. I felt really bad about it throughout the day and taking dinner was out of question when u had a terrible lunch at 4pm. Then we went to a food mall and bought some groceries to make reth churel (sandwich , silly!) . I came back and was engrossed once again in Stephanie Meyer. Then while checking my mail , i was transfixed to find my sister's mail there and I guess the surprised exhausted me and I went asleep with the lapie still switched on and woke up at 4.30 am to find out that I had 13 missed calls from mom. 


The Hoganikkal trip deserves  a detailed separate discussion so I'd bid adeu to u guys now.

Love, Life and a lot of other things

It feels nice to see the young lovers... Many of them are not exactly young but with your heart on fire and head as light as a white feather floating in the vast sapphire firmament, even the senile centenarian turns adolescent. In fact when it comes to love, I think the older you are the better you become. Not because you've learnt a lot from ur previous brief encounters(time flies when you're in love, so the encounters are always brief) with this most wonderful, most crazy, most excruciating and most assuaging and the most enlightening emotion you can ever feel.. Cause, the enlightenment you get from it , is transitory. Love is the most powerful drug of this world. You can remember that you had a good time while having it but you can't remember anything about it when it's over except the side effects namely, taste of your own tears, a vast blankness which makes you feel that the pressure out side is so low that your blood might explode from your veins. And worst part of it?> you can never talk about it,,, explaining these things can be so difficult. So, the only panacea for you is to take that drug again. And every time you take it, u become more and more nonchalant regarding it's mode of action,,, you just want to enjoy the effect rather than analysing the cause behind it.

I will write more about the life and a lot of other things part of this blog in the coming editions,,,till then so long.

Written on 30th July

Dear Arijita,

I am suffering from a horrible sense of loss. But what is it that I’m losing; I haven’t got a clue about. Is it my identity? I think it must be. It’s getting rusted in each and every day I live every second I breathe. I need to talk. I am in dire need of having some conversation. I am sick and tired of listening to people’s monologue. My idea of a perfect dialogue will be to sit in the auburn rays of the dying day and just feel and soak myself in the perfect serenity of the nature. I need someone, who’ll know and understand the language of silence, to accompany me there. But the Sun will have to rotate around the earth before I find someone like that. So, I just want to be left alone. I hear so many words throughout the day but barely one which will shake me, break me and make me what I am. People have a natural penchant of playing a problem solver. I know that their intentions are all gregarious but sometimes it becomes hard to behave naively when you know the person you’re talking with, even though biologically senior, actually still has not got over the adolescence period.

It’s raining here now. We’ve got this glass roof in the top of our cafeteria. Or is it fiber? Whatever it is, as the sole window of my room faces the cafeteria, I can’t really see or feel the raindrops. But I am craving to do so, I am craving to get drenched in the rain but yet my common sense in forbidding me to take such a risk in an unknown city.

I miss the long conversations with you, in these 20 years I’ve seldom had a conversation where I said something I really wanted to say and strangely most of those conversations took place with you. Words are swirling inside my head. I need to vent them out but I somehow can not find out an opening. Sometimes seeing someone face to face becomes so important! Even if that person “says nothing at all”, you feel a lot better just by “the nearness of” that person. And strangely enough I am craving to find the nearness of you(in a strictly non erotic sense).

Sorry if my missive seems to be a bit weird and abstract. Will try to be more specific afterwards!

~Suchandra

PS-couldn't post it yesterday as the net wasn't working and today I am in quite a jovial mood but have no stamina to write so c ya later!

Aboltabol

Dear Friend,

So, I've successfully completed my 1st week alone. Ops! sorry. I haven't given you any clue regarding why so very natural a thing might be worth mentioning in precious virtual spaces.Well, the reason is even though i knew that ""loneliness, far from being a rare & curious phenomenon,is the central and inevitable fact of human existence", I never actually was given the freedom of being completely on my own.That chance came for the e 1st time almost 2 weeks ago,when i took admission in this Bangalore based B'school.

Of course my parents (along wid my grandfa ) came here with me and unfortunately the day they left for Bengal, I couldn't even go to the station to say good bye.Their train was @2pm but i had to say good bye @8.15 when the white college bus came to pick us up.That's the last memory of them as of yet.My mom in a red salwer,clutching the dupatta to her face to hide the tears.I did my best to held the tears till the bus started and their image faded into the march of so many other memories I've left behind.And then my eyes went misty.

But the sense of loss didn't last long.I actually began enjoying my solitude(I didn't have any roommate).My sense of humour was not really applicable here.Like all other emotional and cultural aspects each state has its own humour norms.The system here could not read my files and as of yet I am not ready to download some software which will be able to read theirs. But an incorrigible optimist like me needs no consolation. I am not happy. But then I never was happy. the good thing is that i am not unhappy either.I like this place. Less humid than kolkata,less crowded and less hot.

Even though the Internet connection in the hostel is quite low,I manage to talk nonsense with unknown people over the net.And in real life somehow miraculously i've managed to form the image of an erudite,spartan,reticent Bengali. So, in order to carry out the normal activities of a human chatter box, net is my one and only sanctuary.

Did I tell you about the freshers party?I guess,I'll upload some photos.Not much interactions took place b/w the seniors and the so called juniors(in an MBA institute, determining senectitude can be rather tedious)and so we had this introduction session a few days ago in the college itself.It coincided with the birthday of a student named Lalit(That poor guy was woken up from slumber at 12 am in that night and was fed an overdose of semi burned chocolate cake)...nothing interesting took place.

I'll soon post my opinion about each student of our dept but before that i must mention that

1.I went to the "brithish library(that's what they call BCL here)" and transferred my membership.I can take 5books and 2 magazines but no DVDs. I didnt go for the 3book+1DVD scheme for 2fold reasons.one>It's so far from our college that i wont get chance to return those DVDs and the 2nd and the main reason is that the collection is rather poor here.

2 amusing things happened while coming back.one>BC is situated in such an odd place that no bus to my hostel was available from there.An employee of BC actually came to help me,offered me a ride in his bike and dropped me in a bus-stop.I know i should consider this as pure goodness,but my cynical heart just refuses to do so!!!two>a girl was sitting behind me in the bus.When i asked the bus driver to inform me where to get down,that girl said she too was getting down at Singasandra(that's my stop).So far so good.but after getting down she actually clutched my hand with warm affection an throughout the journey to the other side of the road(it's a long journey as a fly over is situated in b/w and so there's no way to cross the road directly)never actually let it go!I know I can never have "gaydem" but I have this gut feeling that she was lesbian.Poor me!My so called "straight-ness" deprived me of a straightforward chance of dating a beautiful human being,a commodity almost extinct now-a-days.

2.Yesterday I went out to watch a movie at PVR located at the forum.Thankfully my classmates decided against paying 200bucks for ice age and went out to eat at some Chinese restaurant. Finding out that restaurant took an eternity but the food was good there and I snatched the mug of beer ordered by one of my classmates and and barely left anything for that poor fellow and didn't even bother to pay for that.Afterwards I was terrified of the bill they'll entreat but to my relief the amount was 130 only.I felt happy about saving 70 bucks and entered into a Buskin Robbin's shop to buy a scoop of icecream only to be charge Rs-71 and came out cursing myself.And the worst part was I had to pretend to be unperturbed in front of them!!! Anyway,we returned at hostel at nearly 12 and so this was probably the 1st time in my life I stayed out so long with my friends(of course I never let THEM know that.rather I created an impression of a complete party animal to whom every single thing of Bangalore is so inferior than her beloved Kolkata!well,most of the times they are inferior so the 2nd part is true)...

Before closing this missive I'd like to boost about one achievement. I am teaching Bengali to a few classmates.But then had Asitbabu(de la history of Bengali Literature) been alive he would have commit suicide at the mere sight of my teaching process...A good thing about being in a place where nobody understands your language is that-nobody understands your slang too...so you can vent your anger whenever you want to!!!

Another news is that I am in the editing committee of the college magazine. and mercifully nobody contributes anything in it so I've been exempted from further workload!!!

More news will follow...Let me know about the latest books/movies you read/saw.

With Love,

Suchandra

I was thinking...thinking really hard..thinking about myself...who am I? what purpose am i serving by being alive..well, these self introspecting thought came after I read the sample interview questions for various b'schools...and questions like "where do you want to see yourself in 15years from now" left be baffled..I wonder why are these guys so "hyper" about their life...why can't they just follow the golden "carpe diem" rule and quit worrying about future...I mean really friends, never try to envisage on these quentions. If try really hard then after some times you'll find youlself as a complete emotionless person,I mean all your thoughts will form a labyrithine and you'll feel stranded..you'll hearth will be completely blank..without any sense what so ever...I felt it this afternoon and GWAD ! IT SURELY WAS SCARY!thank heavens I watched at a wonderful sunset which put me at the right track...why worry abt 2morrow when I have so much 2 do 2day..so much to feel , to love to express to admire ,to taste, to smell!!!so guys...CARPE DIEM-seige d day