I am sitting underneath the blue sky sparkling with sunlight and hoping that I'll get enough inspiration to capture what the dying year had in store for me, into some tangible words. Capturing all those dreams , vulnerability , hopes, fear, excitement , love and disappointments and binding them by the shackle of words is no doubt a difficult and strenuous job... But nevertheless I'll try..Rather than classifying the year by months, I've decided to do it on the basis of the predominate emotions which reined my heart.. and what else should i talk about 1st but love.
In the beginning of year I was in love. That love shaped up my sanity as well as my insanity ; my hope and my fear; my passion and my devotion for nearly 2 years ... And now I am free ... Don't misunderstand me .. I am still in love, but with the emotion itself as i always were but never knew it .. A person like me can't live without the king of all emotions .. yah I rank love much higher than anything else, far higher than hatred or pain or fear ... I am sure any1 would do so if they had experienced it as deeply as i did , if they were bruised and wounded as badly as i did.. But those wounds shaped up my soul and made me what i am.. I am so grateful to this entity who made it possible for me to personify this emotion...And an incident this year made me realize that you can't grow out of love.. if u wanna escape from one form of it u must indulge in some other form .. So, I fell again , I am not sure whether it was true or not but definitely it was no where as powerful as my 1st encounter with love BUT it healed me from the major bruise and whatever side effect it caused was almost imperceptible for some1 like me who turned on the mode of self destruction from the minor age of 17!
The 2nd emotion is indifference .. I didn't mind when my best good friend & I kind of grew apart .. I saw the road .. the addictive path which summons you to break all barriers as well as attachments and run .. So, right now i dont have any home as such but ohhhh.. I have the road and the impetus to burn just to take rebirth like a pheonix ..
Am i happy? well, what does it mean anyway.. maybe i am .. may be i am not ..but at least i am not sad about it.. actually i dont give a damn .
Excitement.. It was the summer of 69.. I got a bunch of carefree and cool frnds( or rather class mates) and hell of a time... i can proudly say that i had some time which any soul on earth would love to look back to.. but i dont want to.. and i pray may i never have to,,, may the path forward offer me so much more that i would never need to take consolation from memories .
Cant say i learned many material things .. i mean my value addition from the MBA degree was almost nil but for some1 who has spent the 1st 20 years of her life under the vigilance of parents in the same place where she came 3 months after her birth , a new city and the experience of being in such close proximity with friends had much knowledge to offer .
Fear and trauma were the emotions which dominated me through out the 1st half of the year and then i had my "Shawshank Redemption" .. but how i miss my best buddy from those prison days.. Antara .. whereever u are.. wish u a happy new year .
Talking about things i miss, nandan and BCL rules the list and then my movie soulmate arijita but then thankfully we still can talk through internet .. i do miss my parents but in my case distance helped to strengthen the love i felt for them.
Talking about my other relatives had a rather topsy turvy relationship with my didibhai and jiju but all's well that ends well.
So, the new things i did in 2009 ?learned the word carpe diem from arijita and tried to follow its spirit, got my 1st job (not considering that aviva thingy), tasted my 1st peg of alcohol , had my 1st night out party , travelled for the 1st time in the mobike of a complete stranger, travelled by plane, travelled all alone from bangalore to kolkata, went to mumbai for the 1st time that too alone ... so basically I found myself and i loved myself .. i always used to be a narcissist but now it's limitless and i am proud of that . . .
Loss ? not much.. except the accumulated bulges (which i am determined to lose by Jan, '10 ) everything was pretty cool ..
Resolutions? - none but i wanna stringently follow the divine principle called Carpe Diem - SEIZE D DAY!!!
WELCOME !@!)2010@)!)...no mater however sharp spear u've prepared to kill me, i am prepared to tackle u buddy...so, BEWARE!!!
1 comment:
i like your post.. keep writing..
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